Why am I Catholic? - Part 1

Hello Family and Friends,

Last week I shared a link on facebook about why it is hard to become a Catholic from a non-catholic faith background. Several of you asked me why I converted and I promised to share my reasons. This last week I have really wrestled with what to write, how much to share, things to include and exclude in the narrative, and how to give an honest, accurate, and gracious response. Also, this comes on a week where I really wish I weren't Catholic as it would make my life so much easier. Despite myself, what follows is what I consider to be part one of several confessions. It is a long part one, but a short answer has the potential to not answer anything at all. I am still refining my thoughts and have already sent this to several people to read first over the weekend.

Here it is:

"Why am I now Catholic? What made me convert to Catholicism? Isn't it enough to just be a Christian in any church? What drew me and continues to draw me into the Catholic Church? What convinced me to join such and institution with so many faults and failings throughout the ages? What holds me there? - The Eucharist

My conversion got under way 20 years ago when I knew I wanted to be a follower of Jesus. Yes, I was 5 years old and my understanding was as a child's, but the experience is still there and I have had times since when that desire has been confirmed through trial. Following Jesus is indeed the most difficult thing I have done and choose to walk in; though I find He is the only true source of being and meaning in my rather existential way of thinking. I first learned about God from my parents and from a small Assembles of God church we were attending a the time. There among faithful, hard-working, average people I developed a strong desire to know the Truth about God, His Word, and His Church; from these I am passionate about advancing His gospel to the far forgotten corners of the world, and long desperately for love, unity, and harmony among my brothers and sisters in faith. Note too that I use the word conversion on purpose to describe my walk with God. My life is a continuing story of my will being converted to God's will. Surrendering my kingship to His Kingship over my life. This conversion is ongoing each and every day.

My first time visiting a Catholic Church was on Palm Sunday with my sister when I was 18. While my sister became Catholic only a couple of years after that initial Palm Sunday, it would be nearly 7 years before I finally joined. From there on out though, C. S. Lewis's "hounds of Heaven" took on a distinctively Catholic bite for which there is no good cure try as I might. This came at a time when I was question and testing what I believed and why I should believe it. I had come out of my teen years going to a Lutheran Church being steeped in some deep Protestant Theology and knew my reformation history and doctrines fairly well. I was frustrated though with how far the Protestant churches in general, and specifically in the Lutheran, had fallen away from what the early reformers had taught and practiced and wanted to find an authentic expression of Christianity that could be seen in the earliest churches and continuing through time. As such, I had been exploring various kinds of early protestant Christianity looking for that church that I thought most resembled the early church. Prior to this Palm Sunday visit I had been exploring Calvinism, but had some pretty major issues with hard line 5 point Calvinism which left me still question and exploring.

I should also note that whether intentional of not, many of us protestants including myself for a time subconsciously fall into "blink on, blink off, and blink on again" thinking when it comes to church history.  This is the idea that the church was going good up until that damned emperor Constantine started to muck things up in the 300s AD, it went to shit for a long while there in the middle when Catholics made stuff up, and then the reformers got it going good again in the 1500s AD. Restoring a very corrupt church to early church teaching. Once I realized that there was this underlying notion in many of the churches where I grew up and in my own beliefs, I rejected it. I couldn't believe such a scenario had occurred. For me to believe that would be to believe that Jesus was a liar and hadn't sent the Holy Spirit to direct and guide His Church (John 14). His life and teaching was all for nothing. I couldn't believe such a scenario had occurred. For me personally, such a view makes Christianity about worthless and a waste of my time.  History tells a different tale than this blinking church notion, but that is a topic for another post
.

Also in this search for an authentic and historically based Christianity is that it was not going to be based on my interpretations and limited understandings which are certainly full of flaws natural to a 21^st century American, privileged, white male. Nor could it be a church founded by any of the men or women I knew. People who founded their brand of Christian church based on their flawed understandings and prejudices natural to their time, place, and culture as well. Nope it had to be linearly connected across the ages and cultures, timeless, and claim basis not just in scripture but in at least the first few centuries of Christianity. It had to be rooted from the very beginning and develop over time like a vine from a seed with the occasional pruning (John 15). To leave everything up to personal interpretation is to usher in absolute chaos and leave communities of believers re-inventing the wheel constantly within their lifetime, and certainly every few generations. Splitting churches, families, and communities over differences of opinions was surely not what Jesus meant when he prayed that we would be united (John 17).
  

So here I am looking for a historically accurate church as I graduate from highschool and headed off to college. Because I knew that the last thing I wanted to do was to become Catholic and I was struggling with protestant churches, I figured that I would go to the Eastern Orthodox church since they could claim legitimate lineage from the disciples and they hadn’t gone about changing their teachings over the millennium as I thought the Catholics had. Plus the Orthodox don’t have a pope, or some other pesky Catholic stances, so this Lutheran was happy. I love the Orthodox Church and still treasure much of what I learned there. (Latin Mass, in my limited experience has nothing on an Orthodox mass for beauty and majesty of worship) I was seriously looking at becoming Orthodox when I met an amazing Catholic girl towards the end of my freshmen year of college.

No, it was not to be the ideal love story of boy meets girl and live happily ever after. We have gone our separate ways many years ago, but she got me to studying and searching out the claims of the Catholic Church. It was in prayer during Eucharistic adoration one evening with her and other youth of Denver that I knew God was calling me to surrender my pride, fear, and life I wanted and to obediently follow Him at all cost into the Catholic Church. I started in an RCIA (Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults) program with a FOCUS (Fellowship of Catholic University Students) missionary on campus. I knew this was the right path, however becoming Catholic was just costing and demanding too much on my relationships with family, friends, peers, and was threatening my future plans; I revolted. I did not want to be Catholic if it was going to be so hard. It was way easier to just ignore certain doctrines and remain a good protestant and in control of my life.

Pride and fear primarily drove me into rebellion. I told myself I was ready to go anywhere in the world including deepest darkest Africa (though I was sure He wasn't going to send me there. Oh wait…. He sent me there) and do anything God wanted me to do, but not become Catholic (oh wait... that happened too). I was very adamant and didn't want to be wrong in my protestant beliefs so I just ignored my conviction and tried to carrier on. I visited quite a variety of churches during this time and even went on a mission trip for a summer hoping to get more direction on long term international work. I wanted to be a missionary and plant churches among unreached people groups. I didn't see a place for me to do that as a Catholic. I was afraid of the repercussions of becoming Catholic on my friendships, relationships with family and loved ones, and my place in campus ministry and any future in long term mission’s work. Nope, becoming Roman Catholic and switching churches was not a part of my plan. It would ruin them in fact.

Fast forward to senior year of college in the first few weeks of the fall semester. Another FOCUS missionary and I got talking, and he challenged me on how I understood and interpreted John 6 in the light of scripture and reason.

Of all the passages I wanted to not address, this was it. I already knew the Catholic understanding held up unlike other interpretations and agreed that I needed to come home to the fullness of Christian faith found in the Catholic Church. We studied and prayed together often in preparation for me to join the church at Easter time as is customary. In hindsight, I should have converted late that fall when I was ready so as to keep me from letting my pride, fear, and personal desires drive me into revolt. Again. Yep, to my core I really didn't want to become Catholic. It was too demanding. Besides I had and have an ongoing problem with accepting authority and submission to it on a heart level even though my head can intellectually understand and consent. By becoming Catholic there is a certain amount of giving up of one’s own autonomy of belief and right to self-interpretation that I still find very difficult. I am told there is freedom in it, but I still wrestle with it.

As I graduated college and went to work, I was running away as fast as I could from the Catholic Church for the second, and I hoped last time. I was angry and wanted to follow God on my own terms. Terms which weren’t bad of themselves, except that I was the one dictating to God. I wanted nothing to do with the Catholic Church or Catholics. My sister, who had become Catholic by this point, and I were not on very good speaking terms thank in large part to this difference and my mom was beginning to go to church with my sister so that aggravated me even more. Instead, I became much more interested house churches, small intentional communities of believers, and church planting. I started diving into the Jewish context of the New Testament and the depth of understanding that can come from knowing the people and culture of the first century AD. All stuff I am still passionate about, but now I am coming from a different basis.

Then came my 26 month wilderness with the occasional oasis, Africa. My job out of college took me to sub-Saharan Africa. A lot happened during those 26 months, some highs but plenty of lows too. In some ways I am still processing the cocoon it was for me. The people I met in Africa didn’t need me, I needed that time in Africa with them. I could say a lot here and perhaps will be another post, but suffice it to say that when I left my engineering job, I immediately sought entrance into the life of the Catholic Church and the life of a farmer. If I thought the last 7 years were hard, then the really hard journey of life in the Kingdom of Heaven has begun as a member of the Church Jesus founded. Upwards and Onwards!

If you want an easier life, then don’t become a Catholic Christian!    

So, what made me convert? Of all the doctrines and in spite of fellow sinners I’ve encountered along the way in my journey of faith, it is the Eucharist that captured and called my heart into deeper communion with God and His people.

The Eucharist, which is to say Jesus Christ the Son of God, Lamb of God, the Risen King of glory and the great I AM. Jesus alone has the words of eternal life. I meet Jesus every time I enter a Catholic Church, whether I receive the consecrated host or not. That is it. This one reason above all the others is why I converted. Everything else in tension between Catholic and Protestant can be superfluous to me in the light of this one fact. It is the sum and summary of our faith uniting us with all of God's faithful here on earth and in heaven. If is the focus of the Mass, and everything point towards Christ present. God is fully spiritually AND physically present in the sacrifice of the Holy Mass. (John 6, Matthew 26:26-19, Mark 14:22-25, Luke 22:15-22, 1 Corinthians 10:16&11:23-32) I am convinced and convicted that Jesus is speaking literally. This has been the understanding of Christians for the vast majority of history. I thought that surely for my Protestant expression of Christianity to be authentic and correct I would find a protestant understanding of this central tenant of faith in the writings of the earliest Church Fathers. People who were before Constantine. I wish it were so, but alas it is not the case. Starting with the instruction of Christ to His disciples, and the first disciples to their protégés the teaching on this point is un-wavering. The absolute conscience of early Church teaching affirming Catholic teaching on the Eucharist is honestly quite deafening. Especially seeing as all the other issues the early churches were struggling to address.  It wasn’t for a thousand years until you will find a divergence from this belief, and even that guy in the end affirmed the one Church’s teaching on the matter. It is not until the 1500s with the splintering of the church during the Protestant Reformation that you get a smorgasbord of interpretations regarding communion. To be consistent with the whole of our Christian heritage demanded that I be Catholic or Eastern Orthodox. For the practical reason that there are very few orthodox churches in vast potions of the US and conviction on some other uniquely Catholic dogmas (i.e. the pope), I am now Catholic.  

Why such a big deal? Read those passages I listed previously. Also, study the Jewish context of the Passover and what it means that Jesus fulfills Passover. Note too that John 6 occurred during the time of the Passover. I would recommend Ray Vander Laan (Not a Catholic) at “That the world may know ministries”. He has some excellent podcasts to listen to on the topics of Jewish holidays, and particularly Passover. I would also recommend Scot Hahn’s (Convert to Catholicism) book “The Lamb’s Supper”. Or go to the source and read what the Catechism of the Catholic Church has to say. You can find that online easily.Trust me, the Catholic writings from the centuries on the topic of the Eucharist could fill large libraries I am sure. There are many men and women far more learned and capable of subject than I. To get a surface understanding of all the may things that are connected and intertwined with this one sacrament would take more space then I can here dedicate to it. I am only just beginning to start wading into the waters of the church instead of just dipping my toe in testing it. I am nowhere's close to swimming yet. Ha!

The bread and wine are the true body and true blood of Christ, nourishing us with new and everlasting life to live our lives in holiness. Talk about a stumbling block to the religious and foolishness to the wise and sophisticated. I get why many disciples left Jesus at the end of John 6. In my refusal I’ve been close to walking away entirely too. It is easier to stay on the mountain with Jesus after He just miraculously fed the crowd that it is to hear that we must eat His flesh and drink His blood the next day. It is a hard teaching, who can accept it? I cannot hold to a “memorial” view of communion, nor to a “spiritually present” one in the light of scripture, reason, and history. I personally have three options which you seen at the end of chapter 6. Walk away like many who followed Jesus, play Judas and fake it until you can cash out, or confess as St. Peter did and say, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal lie. We have believed and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

My prayer right now is this: “Lord, keep my mind fixed on heaven, my feet firmly planted in soil of the earth, my heart on the cross, and my hands as instruments of charity, mercy, and healing.”

-

To be continued...